There are many reasons, but the bottom line and root of the unwanted behaviour is – a lack of connection. Kids are naturally relying on and seeking approval from their caregivers, we mean everything to them and they would do anything to make us happy. So they are all the time asking themselves who they need to be in order for us to love them. Now is the right time to show them we love them no matter what and that our love is not conditional or changing based on how well they behaved or how big emotional displays they have had.
Going back to the connection part. When our kids feel disconnected or feel lack of love and attention they will seek out ways to feel seen and heard. Usually, they will try with positive attention (“Mommy will you play with me?” or “Look what I made.”). If they don’t succeed with positive they will reach out and most probably find a negative way to be seen (tantrums, bouncing from wall to wall, throwing toys, or any other unwanted behaviour). So let’s make sure to give plenty of positive attention to our little ones before they (naturally) start looking for negative ways (and when that happens the only person we can blame is ourselves).
It is not an easy job to be a parent. Quite frankly, one of the hardest jobs out there. But it is rewarding, and many years after, when we look back on all these years where we put so much effort to be the kind of parents we think we should be, we will see that all the hard work paid off. I will share two things I really find useful in my parenting. First one, when my child has a tantrum I like to think of myself as Neo from the movie The Matrix, not dodging bullets but rather like in the sequel Reloaded, standing in front of incoming bullets and holding an invisible barrier. Sounds cool right? My child’s emotions are just like the bullets bouncing off the invisible wall and I am just waiting for the bullet shower to pass.
The second one, I put a conscious effort to (almost) every time change my perspective. I say almost because some days are better than others and no one does the right thing all the time. But when I really change my perspective and re-frame what I see and instead of: “My child is out there to get me.” think: “My child is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.” things begin to change and I can feel compassion instead of anger. That being said, I can act appropriately.
In conclusion, I will just add one more thing. Before asking something from your child first connect and give them something first then after that ask them what you need from them. Here is an example: “Mommy needs to work in 10 minutes, in the meantime, you can choose what game we will play. After the alarm starts I am all done playing.” You:
- gave them a choice of what to play (reduces tantrums and gives them a sense of control and power)
- told them what is next (reduces tantrums as they know what is gonna happen next)
- set a boundary (which they are less likey to test because of 1 and 2 :))
- they will feel conncected because you choose to play with them and when the playing time is over they will be less likey to throw a tantrum and will give you your much needed space and time.
Sending love,
Nerma