Boundaries and why we need them

Healthy boundaries are a reflection of your principles and guidelines that you have set for yourself. Those are the rules we have set for ourselves within all relationships we have.

Here is the tricky part: how to set healthy boundaries? Well, here are some guidelines on what healthy boundaries should look like.

Healthy boundaries are when we share (but not overshare) personal information, when we value our opinions, when we don’t compromise our values for the sake of others, accepting when others say “NO” to us and so on.

Here is what healthy boundaries are not: avoiding relationships because of fear of rejection, not asking for help, being very protective of personal information, a person may seem detached from other people.

Why boundaries are important?

Well, first of all, because of our mental health. With so many “pulls” in our lives no wonder we need boundaries to avoid burnout and preserve our mental health. Healthy boundaries are a crucial component of self-care. And no, we are not being selfish. The purpose of a boundary is to protect and take good care of you. I will share a personal story here.

I had a friend with whom I had a good relationship. Until I did not. It started first as accusatory things to question me who I choose to spend time with. This was ridiculous for me and this was the first red flag I saw in our friendship. But I did not say anything because I wanted to see if there will be more red flags. And certainly, there were. Unfortunately, I had been involved (almost) in a manipulatory relationship because I had to be at her disposal all the time and felt some kind of possessiveness from her side. For example, if I organize an event with other (not mutual) friends, it was a problem. I am sure from her perspective she felt left out. But from my perspective, I had no need to explain myself nor apologize. We should always consider other person’s point of view and give them at least the benefit of doubt, but when we see someone constantly not respecting our boundaries and trying to use our good intentions we have to put a stop to it.

How can we know if someone is violating our boundaries?

Well let’s put it like this. If you constantly see someone doing things you clearly are not okay with – that is violation of your boundaries. If you did not put any boundaries at the very beggining but you started practicing it, if a person feels offended or protest about you setting limits – that is a violation of your boundary. A person who genuiley values you will respect you, your opinion and boundaries.

For the end…

Your life is your life. You are the only one in your mind, therefore, you are the only one who knows how you feel and what works for you and what not. When we were little our parents took care of us. Now that we are adults we are the ones taking care of us (and don’t forget, the little child inside of us as well).

When setting boundaries there are some crucial aspects:

1. set boundaries from the beggining
2. don’t overexplain your boundaries (as everyone has right to decide what they want and what they don’t want to do)
3. be consistent.

And set healthy, not rigid boundaries. Because we do want to be empathic but also empathy without boundaries just hurts. Make it clear for yourself and others where you begin and other person ends.